Shay

"Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies."
-Gore Vidal

"To fly, we have to have resistance."
-Maya Lin

This journal has been moved to genuineillusion, which is a friends-locked journal. Anything that doesn't need to be specifically friends-locked will be posted on myspace as well.

Those of you that would like to keep me as a friend, please add me at genuineillusion and comment the entry there. Thanks.

~Shay

I miss the people that I've lost & that have moved on.

Hey folks, it's another Holiday Season - and here I am, still praying for help. Still praying for strength - but oh so thankfully, it's coming easier to me. I really feel as though I'm bridging the gap between myself and God again. It seems selfish to turn to him, only because he's the only one that can help me - but this time I'm making my very best effort to remain in his good graces, even after my immediate need for him is gone. God will always be a part of my life, I just need to concentrate on that part a little more.
Today my family went around the table and said what they were thankful for. I didn't say what my heart really felt. I was thankful to God for giving me the strength to make it through another day - another season. I was thankful to God for lessening my pain, and for always giving me a reason to believe, even though he doesn't have to. I was thankful to God for carrying me through the valleys that I could not walk myself. But instead of telling my family that, I just echoed what the other children said. "Thanks for the food & the support you give us. May you continue to bless us in the future." I could never tell my family what I was truly thankful for. I think it would hurt them. And that is the last thing I want to do. (And Susan, I would appreciate it if you would keep this little segment to yourself & not tell my mom.)
I am currently addicted to Robitussin. My cough has been thoroughly suppressed nearly the whole time I've been here in California. It's rather enjoyable.
My uncle & I have been playing this really awesome game called "World of Warcraft." I really wish I had the game. It's so nifty. Plus my other uncle plays it too (though the two uncles don't speak.).
Tomorrow we're going to my Great Grandmother's house to see GG (my great-grandma) & my other uncle (he's a raw foodist).
I made pumpkin pie. All by myself. It's really good. Even my mom (who generally HATES pumpkin pie) liked it. The only one (in a house of 7) that didn't like it was Melissa. But whatever. She doesn't have to like it, right? Right. My mom made this really different stuffing & I loved it. Totally stuffed myself of stuffing (and mashed 'tatoes, broccoli, turkey [white meat only!], rolls, & pumpkin bread). Thanksgiving was ab. fab. like no other meal. And, first year in a while that I haven't been either a) violently ill [stomach flu] or b) absolutely disgusted by the choice of foods. So, REALLY good year, all-in-all.
Mom & I have done a bit of bickering since we got here, but that's normal. The only thing out of the realm of normalcy is that, rather than going outside & self-injuring to cope, I ran outside to pray. I was really proud of myself, and in my heart I know that God was too. So, I am now off to dose myself with Robitussin (mmm, mmm good) & go to bed. Let's hope I don't wake myself (& 1/2 the house) bright & early this morning with another coughing fit, huh?
Love & good wishes for a fantastic Thanksgiving to you all.

♥
~Shay

So, yesterday my mom, my sisters, and I went up to Las Vegas. My mom went clothes shopping for/with my little sisters & I stayed with my Aunt Heidi & Uncle Eric in their new house, which was really nice. When my Uncle Eric got home at like 2:30 NV time, we ate lunch & he took me for a ride in his Corvette. It was pretty spiffy. Then we got back to the house & I dislocated my kneecap for a second & spent the next several hours laid up on the couch, icing my knee. Ugh. Not fun. It's still nice & stiff today, though not as painful as last time I did it. I'm nearly done with the book Susan, my mom's boss, gave me. It's called "Wicked, the Life & Times of the Wicked Witch of the West." It's pretty good, though I don't think she was aware that the book contained some adult themes, including, but not limited to, adultery, homosexuality, murder, premarital sex, and public acts of sex. The Wicked Witch of the West was a highly misunderstood person. I actually kind of like her. Anyway, I've been flitting around doing nothing all day because I've been highly bored.

I'm feeling horribly for Shyla & Robyn, obviously. My mom & I have been discussing it, and she's come to conclusion that she doesn't know me as well as she thought, or something, because everyone's parents seem to dislike me. I found that statement amusing, because for the most part I tell my mom everything - so there's not a whole lot of people that could claim to know me as well. o.O Umm. but yeah. Now she's read that & won't stop hugging on me... so I'm gonna go, because she has an e-mail she needs to finish.

See you [all] on Monday.

~Shay

So, sadly enough, I haven't been on here in a while, not even to read my friends list. And, let me tell you what - this thing sure has changed. At first I didn't even realize I was on the update journal page! I think I need to just gradually work my way back into LJ. *sigh*

And maybe work my way out of drama & the depression that Brent's moving has brought upon me?

ETA: Also, I just had my momma read my essay for English. Do you know what she said to me? She said "Did you really write this?"

Nooooooo mom. I stole it off the internet.[/sarcasm] *eyeroll*

Ugh.

Sooo, my mom & I are in the kitchen, minding our own business & making my birthday cake when Shirley started my anger gland. Here's how it went down:

mom & me: *laughing & making a cake*
shirley: why are you making a cake?
mom: for ashley's birthday.
s: oh, when is that?
m: tomorrow. [with a *duh* tone of voice*]
s: oh, it is! i always get the 3^rd and the 8^th confused.
melissa: do you forget our birthdays?
s: no.
m: of course not. [half sarcastically]
s: i remember katie's because it's right between my sister's
melissa: and you remember mine cuz it's the last day of sept. huh?
s: yes.
mom: [to me] so what do you want for dinner tomorrow. i will make anything you want. or order it.
melissa: can we have pizza?!
s: well, that's probably what she'll want. that's what she usually gets.
me: [angrily] no.
mom: what do you want, sweetheart?
me: [quietly to mom] can we go to the china szechuan? we haven't been there in a while. if that's okay.
m: sure, if you want.

and after that the conversation drifted. RAWR! I freaking HATE that woman.

*chants* only a few more months. only a FEW MORE MONTHS.

Actually, I don't have anything to say about drag queens. I just liked the way it looked in the subject bar. Sad, I know. So - everyone else has been off leading exciting, or at least interesting, lives & I decided to do the same for once. Brent, Ro, Maren, Mike C., myself & others are trying to start a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance). We have asked a teacher to be our staff advisor & the administration has already given us the go-ahead. However, until we get a staff advisor & have Student Council okay it - we're petitioning. We're getting a lot of signatures so that when we hand everything over to student council (who can't legally deny our request anyway), we will have enough support that they will just let us have the club. psh. I'm so excited about this whole thing still. I mean - not only is it great leadership stuff, but it's also good "I'm making a difference in my school/community" stuff that looks good on college applications. It will be an interesting year, methinks, once this club has become airborne. That's basically all I've been up to.

Ms. Phelps made interesting "I'd like to strangle that student with piano wire" faces yesterday when, after Ro, a TA for another class, & Sara stay in our class. She was fine up until the bell when Ro stood up, yelled "SHIT!" and ran out the door. Ms. Phelps looked FURIOUS. Sadly, it was hilarious. And, since I had been planning on staying after to get help from Ms. Phelps yesterday - I didn't want to stick around long enough to be put to piano wire death for Ro's transgressions (not that it would ever really happen, I know), and thusly forgot to take Sloanie home. I felt horrible about that too. I'M REALLY SORRY SLOANIE!!!!

Psh. That really is all though. So yeah.

~Shay

( A Scorpio & so am I )

So, Brandon is staying in town until Sunday. Woo-hoo. That's the day I leave to go to Vegas, too. So, you know, that's all fun stuff right thurr. He's supposed to come hang out with me today after school, because it's a half day. Woot. And I need to clean too. He came over and we talked a bit last night. Also, I stayed after and got Trig. help. Let me tell you what, I understand more than I did before! Ms. Phelps is officially my new favorite study buddy. Fo sho. Anyway I've gotta go get ready. Peace out, peeps.

~Shay

dude. we went out to dinner at this great bavarian/german restaraunt. we partied to good music & danced. my just turned 8 year old sister almost got molested. the guy who tried to do it was about a quarter second away from getting his throat slit when he got away. then i drove my drunk parents home. in las vegas. at 10 at night. without knowing the way. justfuckingwonderful. let me tell you. they were screaming. they were telling me to get off at ALL the wrong exits. so it took FOREVER to get back. then, as we're 1 minute from the house, my drunk aunt heidi calls. my mom suggests we go "rescue" her. i told her HELL NO. my aunt will find her way back. eventually. but it was all pretty fun. fer serious.

So - my friend Brandon, from Salt Lake City, came down to visit today. Randomly, out of the blue, just showed up on my doorstep. So, he and I went to Cornfest together. I introduced him to Inez, and she invited him to a party - that was nice of her. Then I introduced him to other people. He makes friends quickly. In some ways it's surprising. I keep expecting him to be like he was when we were best friends 4 years ago. When he and I could get on the phone at 2 in the afternoon and talk about absolutely nothing until 2 am. He was my BEST FRIEND. Hell, I even taught him to kiss. hahaa. But I guess people really do change. A lot. He's so different. He's a metalhead. A partier. Sometimes he gets drunk, sometimes he gets stoned. I've changed too - but nothing big. I'm still the little bookworm, worried about her grades, and too afraid to do anything crazy, or stupid. I guess Maren likes him - she was certainly hanging on him. That sounds bitter, doesn't it? And maybe it should. Maybe I shouldn't have friends. I'm too needy a friend. I'm too jealous. That was part of the problem with Robyn, you know. She couldn't stand my jealousy - now she's best friends with Sara. Maybe I'm tired of being hopeful. Maybe I'm sick of people in general. Sometimes, I really do wonder how many people would care, or even notice, if one day I was just gone. And please, keep in mind that this is NOT a plea for pity or attention. I don't want or need either. I just... wish I could find a way to help myself. Just being around him for a day & I'm depressed. I'm scared of losing him, and I've still only got so little to hold on to. I'm being stupid, I know. I'm just glad that I don't ever have to worry about him reading this - I'd be so ashamed. Brandon will always be for me the chubby kid I convinced to get in a dress & let me take pictures; the kid I taught to kiss; the kid who gave me his shoes when I couldn't walk home; because the ground was too cold; the kid I buried in the sand behind my house, and who buried me - even though we'd gotten no sleep the night before; the kid who always had to give up his room whenever I stayed the night. He'll always be the kid too obsessed with Pokemon & technology; the kid whose mom was a neo-Nazi clean freak; the kid I loved with all my heart - because it was like I finally had a brother. I feel so dumb for thinking things would just stay the same. He's in a new place, with new people, new friends, and a new life. Someday, maybe I'll figure out why I still don't understand in my heart, even though I know in my mind. And maybe then I won't be crying. Maybe then I won't want to bleed - or die. But I know that I won't do any of those things. Not this time. Not ever again. For now only my heart will bear scars - and it will bear them in silence. And maybe, one day, I won't be jealous that people like my friends. Until then I can only hope. I won't see Brandon again; this time, anyway. I'm leaving to go to Vegas tomorrow & he's only here for this weekend. I suppose, in some way, that's right. That way I can't be jealous of him. I think I've had an epiphany. I don't like it when the people I love seem like they don't need me - to be happy, or to get through the rough times. I like to feel needed, and I like for people to be there when I need them. One day - nevermind. I can only hope that stupid feelings like this go away, and soon.

At Cornfest, though, Kate had an asthma attack. Really bad. And first it took us like 5 minutes to get the stupid cops to call the medics, and then the medics took about 15 minutes to come to us. Then they needed permission from Kate's uncle - who, when FINALLY reached, said "I just got called in to work. Kate went to the Cornfest on her own, it's her problem. My job's more important." So, Sloan is having Kate stay with her. Yeah. That's pretty much all that happened.

~Shay

Right, so I've been avoiding the computer - mainly because I've become addicted to FFX. *ish so lame* Whatever though, yeah? So - um... I read my monster sized f-list. Some sad stuff in there. Especially about michaelmalfoy. My heart goes out to his friends and family. Um. Not much here. They did the blood drive at school - I'm not old enough to give blood yet. Dangit. Watched Madhouse with the parentals last night. My mom was really sick though - too much to eat, a couple margaritas, & a little bit of the ill tummy. Never a fun combination. My parents took me to Casa Serranos last night because both my sisters were gone. It was nice. Then they told the people at Casa's that it was my birthday, which was interesting. Did you know that they smear whipped cream on your nose there? My mum is such a brat. Anyway, my mummy is whining at me to go watch Taxi with her, and when Kevin comes home we'll watch Sin City, which I love[d] (thanks again, Gina!). And I made my mum get Spirited Away for the little girls. The first time I saw that movie, my cousins and I watched it like five times in a row. Yeah for people pirating satellite TV (and letting us watch). haha. So I'm totally gonna watch it with them. Um... I'm probably going to go right back to avoiding the computer again - so don't take any offense if I don't comment you people late or something, yeah? Love to you all!

~Shay

So - I'm sure I bombed my Psych test. And Trig? Forget it. I KNOW I failed that one. I've got a C in that class. All because of the stupid flip book, I'm sure. And this quiz possibly. And in 4th hour I got a headache from crying because we were talking about what the penalty for drunk drivers that commit manslaughter should be. And that brought back memories of Joanna. I miss her so much sometimes. More and more lately. Especially since I've been feeling that she should be here with me recently. So I was in a bad mood to begin with - then I find out that most of some of the rides at Knott's have weight restrictions that I exceed. I can't use the Acoustica MP3 Burner program my stepdad bought to burn an MP3 CD because my computer is hating me right now and this day has been nothing but FUCKING WONDERFUL. Note my sarcasm. And the kicker? My stepdad, after pointing out the weight restriction thing, says "Well, the hotel has a really big pool." WHOOPDEFUCKINGDOO! And what? I'm supposed to float my fat ass around all day while the rest of you, who seem to have no problem losing weight & don't have to worry about it flit around Knott's? I swear. This day has just been horrible. I just wish I didn't have to go at all. Or deal with people. Or life in general. But I'm not being whiny & suicidal. Come on folks, I'm just about over all that lame-ass bullshit! I'm just bitching. Yeah. Cuz I do that. Whatever. I'm going to try to work with the stupid MP3 thing again.

~Shay

Click Five - my new musical obsession. Thank you Valerie! Dude. I spent 15 minutes in Hon. Eng. today laughing so hard that the teacher next door could hear me. I also spent those 15 minutes barely capable of breathing. First it was because Ro was saying that it's a sacrilege to translate Japanese to German & then because she became hysterical in insisting that since I was laughing so hard it was a sure sign that the apocalypse was on the rise and that Satan was walking the earth with us. I went to the Youth Alive meeting today. We didn't really pray. We did elections. I ran for Treasurer, but I lost. It's all good though. I forgot about the NHS meeting this morning. I felt horrible about it. One of my committees is meeting on Tuesday - I don't know about the other two yet. *sigh* I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not trying to do too much. I still need to find a job too. It's exasperating. I hope I find one soon. Of course actually going and filling out more applications wouldn't hurt or anything. I just wish all the places had kiosk thingies so I didn't have to ASK for them. I don't like that part. Oh well. I need to get over it. Knott's Berry Farm departure on the morrow! Party on! Can't wait. It'll be awesome. I'll be the only teenager, but Susan & my mom & Christy will be there so it should be cool. My mom's mad rad & she's got the coolest friends. Yay!

( Random Meme as promised )

Right, so I think I might be starting to like a guy friend. And that's not good. Lyek whoa, not good. At any rate the Trig. is making me insane & I'm slacking in my computer classes, like an ass. I really need to get it straight. Things have been all hectic at home again. But they're evening out... which makes me happy. I saw Constantine, finally. Good movie. Also, Hide & Seek. Not as good, but interesting. It reminded me of John Saul's writing style. Whatever though, right? There was an incident with a massive spider under our dinner table that Lily (Satan) saved me from. She's really a good cat. That was Saturday when Katie had her friend Bailey over & Melissa had Dakota over. Apparently Melissa & Kody were caught by Katie in a liplock. Ah, well. She's older than I was when I got my first kiss. *eyeroll* If it's even true. So my mom had to have the "I'm cool enough to let boys stay over so don't kiss them or you'll never have another guy friend stay over as long as you live" speech. I got that one after I taught my friend Brandon to kiss in like 8th grade. haha. It's a great speech. Ineffectual, but great. I guarantee that won't be the last boy Mimi kisses that's just staying the night. Anyway, I'm out of stuff to say.

~Shay

I'm worried for my friends. Just a feeling of light foreboding. Something is coming... I don't know what it is - but it doesn't feel good. I need to go fill out job applications. Safeway - tomorrow. Who's with me? All of you I hope. =D

Um. What else? Not much. I'm very boring, apparently. Not much happens. I've begun wondering if I'm not bipolar. I'm down a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. And then I get really hyper for no reason. And it's this weird jittery, angry/sexual kind of hyper or this weird jittery happy kind of hyper (which is rare). Either way it's erratic and jittery and I hate it every time. Then, when I calm down, I'm really low. I don't know. Maybe there's just something wrong with me, but it's starting to worry me. Not that I'd ever say anything about it to my mum or anything - I don't want her to worry about it. I still think I need to go to the eye doctor. Even though I'm not sick anymore things look a bit fuzzy, especially at a distance... and I have mentioned that to my mum.

Shirley will be back soon. Dammit. I really wish she'd stay with Sherri. But of course, her life wouldn't be complete if she weren't here to silently torture me with her vile presence.

And so, I'm off.

And look, I even tried to give you people a real entry instead of the crap I've been shoveling at you. Aren't you all just so proud of me?

My journal is on an indefinite hiatus. Updates will most likely be very infrequent.

I'm sick as all hell right now. I can't swallow because my throat hurts, my head is pounding, my stomach won't stop churning & my vision keeps going blurry - AND I'M DRINKING ALL KINDS OF WATER!

Gah. Let's see - no one is getting along with their mom... or at least Angie & Mike aren't with theirs, & I'm not with mine. Whatever.

Senior pics were today. Photographer was hilarious. And I took them before I started feeling like crap. Woo-hoo.

I'm going to go be nauseous elsewhere now...

Gacked from moonysshadow, even though I didn't do it at their journal...*shrinks*
1. What's the first word that comes to mind when you think of me?
2. Go to http://images.google.com/ and search for that word.
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results (don't tell me the word).
4. Use an image tag, i.e. < img src="url.of.the.image.goes.here" > without the spaces before and after the > < .
5. If you like, you can put this in your own blog so that I can do the same.

I'm lame, I know. But nothing interesting is happening.
And peeps, if I make you think dirty things (which I really hope I don't), keep the pictures PG, k?

I've just discovered what UST means. And yes, I figured it out by myself, and yes, I know I'm slow. Shut up.

I was writing a fic & I had to kill it. It sucked. But I still have a muse poking at me. It wants me to write something, but it is an "unassigned" muse, meaning I've got to fool around until I figure out which type of muse it is. Gah.

Ashe: I read "It's Not My Fault My Eyes Are Purple" which was not nearly as good as I had anticipated it being, especially not after reading SLTS. Also, I read "Between the Banister" which I've actually read before, but it's so cute & good that I had to read it again. I may be attempting to finish more later.

So, the writing journal, genuineillusion, is set up and patiently awaiting my first update. Woohoo. I don't really have much to say today... so I'm going to make a list of things that have gone wrong already this year:

• The whole thing between Cody & Britt.


• The whole thing between Megan & Val.


• The whole thing between Me & Ro.


• The whole thing between Gina & her mom.


• Britt crashing her car.


• One of my friends facing possible expulsion for something she didn't do.


• Angie's cool little brother getting suspended for a stupid reason.


• Michael. Enough said.


• General feelings of isolation from my friends.


• My grandma being over all the time.


• The evil Safeway lady & getting all scraped up.

and things that have gone RIGHT this year:

• getting teachers i like.


• finally getting my locker & it being in a perfect spot.


• Kate.


• making up with Ro.


• Ashe getting a Cingular phone.


• getting a random call from Ashe.


• Mr. Nicolai.


• government & psych.


• learning that i like the way things look uncapitalized.


• Shirley being gone for a month.


• seeing Uncle Geoff & Jeffers.


• Nicole, Sinclair & Danielle.


• Sara being back.


• gaining confidence.


• computer classes.


• reading finishing Smells Like Teen Spirit.


• finding solace in music, mostly new stuff.

~Shay